Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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