proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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