1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
i've created a new STD.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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