listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
