A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
