I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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