John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
