he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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