I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
