You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
