I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
