does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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