the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
