Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
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OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
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