Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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