I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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