He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
