dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
