chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
