I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
