I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
