There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
