I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
my liver is dry heaving
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
