im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
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