I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
