Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
