Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
