I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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