just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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