I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
