My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
