had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I will pee on everything he values.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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