the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
