connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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