He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
