just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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