Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
