All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
