Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
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