Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Randomize
