You were right. It hurts to walk today.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
