A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So vagazzling was a success
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
