You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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