I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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