So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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