Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
