Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
