He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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