I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
