we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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