i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
