Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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